Finding Joy...where there seems to be none.

This is quite possibly one of the most difficult times yet to date. I can't simply put into words the haziness and the pain I feel on a daily basis. My eyes are welling up with tears as I write this, but I am convinced that getting it out on paper as depressing as it seems will benefit me. I have blogged before about life as a Child Life Specialist. It is a job that I believe, changes the world as we know it. I know it sounds extreme. Bear with me. I feel exhausted. I feel like I have surpassed the possibility of ever having enough strength to do my job the way that God intends for it to be done. My heart huts. My heart hurts...all....the....time. Lately, it seems to stay, to linger. I have experienced more death in the last ten weeks than I have ever hoped for in a lifetime. I have witnessed 10 precious children die. Yes, 10 kids gone in 10 weeks. The math is simple. 1 kid approximately a week. As it would seem, some weeks we have had no deaths. And unfortunately, some... we have had multiple deaths. I have no strength left. Literally. I wake up every morning begging for God's mercy on today. I ask him ever so gently, Lord please provide a day that I don't experience yet another child returning to you. I know deep down it is a good thing. I know all kids who die go to heaven. I am truly convinced of that. It doesn't make it any easier on the caregivers, muchless the families.

I adore my job. I get the humbling opportunity to hold families up while they beg God to heal their child. I snuggle babies, love on kids, and hang out with teenagers. It really is a privilege. But, it is extremely heartbreaking and draining. In July, I will have done this job for 5 years. I am blessed to have worked with hundreds of families who have changed my life. I just need a lot of healing right now. I need a lot of mending.

Please pray that my heart would begin to heal in order to serve the hundreds of families yet to walk into our doors.